The Cost of Victory

A daughter's story of defeat and celebration.

Who picks the winners and losers in life?

Someone gets to decide who is worthy to maintain a decent quality of life, while others are denied the chance to thrive. Why is it even after celebrating a victory, we still can feel defeated?

A Daughter’s Story

A child's first steps are monumental. The mother sits with her outstretched arms waiting, watching as her child toddles towards her. The child's face lights up, determined to step out into the world. Not knowing the world will take her down as quickly as she finds her footing.

Silently, I hold my breath as I video the first steps. I hear the sound of my sister's encouraging words, "Mom you got this. We are so proud of you." The look on my mother's face is one of excruciating pain and determination. She can barely mustard up the strength to learn to walk again.

She does it. She summons up enough courage to walk the twenty-five meters with a walker to assist. It pains me to know that her life had come to this, but at that moment we celebrate. Not knowing her life would take a turn for the worse, defeated by an institution working against her.

The Story of the Beginning of my end.

My Mother’s Story

Although I would trace my problems with alcohol to before my birth, it was seven years ago this past winter when my life took a turn for the worse. And it wasn’t my action that sent me down a crooked path, but the lack of proper coping skills to deal with life. It was one decision my mother made which sent my life on the trajectory in need of growth.

December, 2016, my mother during a primary care visit decided to get her annual influenza vaccine. Five weeks later, the symptoms started. A slow progression, starting with a loss of mobility from her fingertips and toes inward. She was briefly left as a quadriplegic until the syndrome reversed course, slowly awakening each nerve. The pain excruciating leaving her forced to re-learn skills, she learned as a toddler. Toilet training, eating, talking, and walking, all daily life skills we take for granted.

My mother was left a paraplegic until the syndrome reversed course all from one dose of the flu vaccine.

The diagnosis Guillain Barre Syndrome, a debilitating syndrome that can lead to death or to a life of exhaustion and chronic pain. The seasonal flu has nothing on this illness. Today listed on my mother’s medical chart: Allergy-Influenza Vaccine.

Celebrating a small victory.

This one small injection took my mother on a journey that to this day she has not recovered. Along the way we have celebrated small victories, but today when I spend time with my mother I still feel defeated.

My mother spent several months in a skilled-nursing rehabilitation center. Each day I would visit and watch as my mother had to summon the strength to recover. Several months into recovery, my mother was able to bare weight and walk, meeting a therapy goal. We celebrated.

It was a short term celebration, because her main goal was to be able to move home and regain her independence. Her Medicare insurance denied coverage for her stay at the rehabilitation center and continued therapy. She was deemed, not worthy for rehab by the system that was supposed to help restore her health. It is the same system that encourages everyone to get vaccinated.

And my fight began.

When my mother was incapacitated I took over her affairs. Like any responsible human being I paid her bills and made the necessary appeals so my mother’s insurance coverage would remain intact. I didn’t know the impact of being an advocate for my mother would have on my own mental health. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the necessary coping skills to see my way through my mother’s journey to recovery.

Advocating With the Hope of Celebrating a Victory for a Loved One

From the gecko her Medicare wanted to deny coverage. I filed an appeal for coverage at the first skilled nursing facility, prior to hospitalization. I had our day in court and a judge granted my mother the need for coverage. The judge gave us reason to celebrate and to remain hopeful.

Following her hospital stay she was placed at a second rehabilitation center. After she met her allotted days for therapy, Medicare once again denied ongoing coverage. Mind you at this point we knew she was dealing with a debilitating syndrome that requires months of ongoing therapies. It was also established by the court that the flu shot was the underlying cause of the GBS, the reason for being at a rehabilitation center.

Still celebrating the victory of winning her first appeal, suddenly my hope was defeated when a new judge determined she didn’t qualify. Again, I had an appeal to prepare. To me it was life or death, my mother’s life hinging on my actions. I spent endless hours and it would consume the next few years of my life.

Hopeful Yet Feeling Defeated

America’s healthcare system offers false hope. As the “supposed” leader of the free world, our seniors are left with an unrealistic idea of security. When the institution deems your life not worthy that is when the system has failed you.

I fought hard for my mother, still remaining hopeful. She brought me up with her Christian values which made it even more difficult as I watched her suffer. My marriage was starting to suffer and I turned towards God. With my husband agreeing we attended a church related marriage counseling course.

Still I took it upon myself to lead the fight, not surrendering it to God. The character trait of control constantly reared it’s ugly head. I started to rely on alcohol to help to ease the anxiety and the growing bitterness I had towards a broken system.

Celebrating Victory From a Defunct System of Government

Last week, we celebrated another victory. Several years ago through a recommendation I was given the number of an attorney who files vaccine claims on behalf of citizens who have an injury due to a vaccine. He would go to bat for my mother and negotiate a settlement.

This attorney provided hope for my mother to receive some compensation. I had all the proper documentation, with evidence from a court win that my mother’s GBS was indeed caused by the flu vaccine. He submitted legal documentation and paid rehabilitation bills for reimbursement.

Five years ago the case was opened. Just last week an amount was agreed upon. My mother will be awarded injury compensation, but just a pittance for what she has been through. In fact, I would say that the cost of victory cannot be substantiated with a dollar amount when it comes to the loss of quality of life.

The Feeling of Defeat

We have the option to make an appeal and take it to court, but it would take another year. There is a long line of victims all seeking settlement. A secret that needs revealed is that our government has a small pool of money that is overwhelmed by people each seeking reparations for injuries from vaccines.

I am not an anti-vaxxer and do believe people should have the right to choose. But I have witnessed first hand the effects of the flu vaccine. When we administer a foreign substance in our body, our body is likely to revolt. And the result is far worse than getting the actual illness the vaccine is trying to prevent. A flu shot is what broke my mother, but it is the system that broke me.

Celebrating a Victory for Myself in Christ

The years that followed would prove to be much worse for a woman who didn’t have a strong foundation in place. My trust in the institution was broken and now the institution wanted to control my health choices. When the COVID pandemic hit our global community I rebelled and without proper coping skills would only hurt myself.

I turned towards pride and alcohol to deal with life. My arrogance turned people off and today I understand there’s a better way. God prepared a path for me and that included my break down on March 17, 2021. An arrest led me to the help I needed and on April 6, 2021, two days following Easter I was reborn.

The beginning of my end led to a spiritual death and I owe it to my mother–the one woman who gave me life, sent me on the trajectory towards growth. She instilled her Christian values in me and in God’s time they would kick in. Through the power of redemption, I can finally be the woman that my mother raised and be the daughter she deserves.

But thanks to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:57 ESV