Shame On You

Showing up to detox as a sober woman.

Chapter Five - Shame On You

I sit on the inside looking out, trying to understand the world around me. A world which once offered solace. The comfort I received from the world is substituted with a drug—alcohol. Now, it is prescription drugs offered to the detox patients. Robbing them of life. Stripped of what makes them human. No expression. No emotion.

She appears for the second day, sitting on the concrete stoop outside my window. Her hair is matted, clothing sticks to her exhausted body. Trying to escape the corrupt world that surrounds her. Knocking at the door, pleading to come in.

She spent the last two nights on the street, in search of a haven. Desperate.

I try to warn her. Once she steps foot inside, they will try to steal the little life remaining.

Her hands covering her face, head bows. Searching. Praying. Her journey is weary, trying to navigate life alone. But she isn’t alone.

The young man circles around her. He whispers to her, suddenly stepping away, then aggressively berates her. Beating the Spirit out of her. Smothering her.

She tries earnestly to fight back. A fiery, redhead having her flames extinguished. She starts to weep. Tears sting her face, putting out the fire that remains. Defeated.

Unable to console her, I’m forced to cry with her. One large tear drips down my cheek. They are trying to rob me of my compassion, but I have one tear saved. A tear for her.

– A memory from detox, March 28, 2021

“Shame On You” is Chapter Five of Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery. Each week on Substack up to the beginning of February a chapter will be shared. The original book written as memoir is being transformed into a self-help book. To read the full introduction see A Writer’s Guide to Recovery and for previous chapters reference A Writer’s Guide for Recovery in the menu tab.

Chapter Synopsis—”Shame On You”

This chapter highlights my brief time in detox, sharing the brokenness of society through my experience. The experience itself represents something far greater, the disappointment I have had in the institution. If I can point to one thing that broke me as a human, it is our government. Leading up into my breakdown I was advocating for my mother and fighting a losing battle with America’s healthcare system.

Today, I choose to advocate for women, young mothers who can’t seem to get a break.

Swallow Your Pride’s Chapter Highlights

Call to Action Chapter

After spending time with women of all ages in recovery I am understanding the complexities of addiction. Within Swallow Your Pride the solution will not be found to fix addiction, but through introspection your identity will be revealed. To successfully advocate for others we need to first be true to ourselves.

The previous italicized script is the chapter’s introduction. It is a story of a mother from Missouri who I met while at detox. I learned in a literary webinar that up to 10% of content is acceptable to share prior to seeking publication.

The body is detailed in an outline format. Below is the book’s central argument and the chapter outline should strengthen the argument. Finally, the conclusion wraps up the chapter and flows into the subsequent chapter.

Central Argument

I went through life hindered by my own flawed character, choosing to cast blame on others, not accepting the source of my problems–me! I was a woman losing the battle of life and resorting to alcohol to cope. Not only was the alcohol toxic, but my daily routine was doing me in.

Themes

Resentment

Resentment and bitterness are two attributes that keep an addict sick. Not only did I need cleansed from the alcohol but how I viewed the institutions. Although I entered rehab free from alcohol, I was consumed with anger from what I believe to be an already very broken system.

On top of having pre-existing resentments my experience at detox was toxic. I left detox sicker than when I went in and it had nothing to do with a drug. My mind was all I needed to keep me sick.

Purpose

Page one of the introduction and the final paragraph of the book’s conclusion shares the importance of purpose and how I lacked purpose. I started to notice a purpose taking shape in my life during my time at detox. The reason for my need to recover is becoming apparent.

Today I meet with women in recovery meetings and through volunteer work. I have the privilege to spend time with women at a pregnancy center who are struggling with their addictions. If I didn’t spend time in detox meeting other’s who struggled as I did I would not feel comfortable working alongside these women.

Chapter Outline

God’s Plan

It is difficult to be in the midst of our struggles and understand the why behind them. Over the course of writing Swallow Your Pride I could see God’s handprint all over my recovery journey.

If we are steadfast in our faith and place our trust in our higher power, in time, we will understand God’s plan. And quite often His plan is not so much how you will benefit, but how others will benefit through your actions.

Detox

Briefly, I share my five-day stay as a sober woman in a detox facility. Most individuals show up intoxicated by their drug of choice but I chose to self-detox. If I didn’t prepay my stay perhaps they would have given me the boot which would have provided a bed for a patient in need, like the mother from Missouri.

Admissions

The admissions process did not go smoothly, mainly because of lack of coordinated effort. There was deceit and staff who clearly had no respect for the human behind the drug. Perhaps if they tried admitting the person over the drug it would lead to success.

Detox and Rehabilitation Drugs

Drugs and detox are synonymous. As an ignorant woman in a foreign territory I didn’t understand the role drugs play in detox. I had the forethought of asking my attorney what my rights were concerning drugs in rehabilitation to discover I could deny all drugs. They certainly didn’t make it easy.

The Drug Problem

Leading up to my breakdown I had witnessed America’s prescription drug problem first hand. My parents both struggled with addictive prescription drugs. I made a conscious effort not to be a statistic of drug use.

The Broken System

From my time spent in detox I witnessed the broken system first hand but learned more in the months that followed. I share a bipartisan news report that clearly illustrates the problem our country, USA, has with detox drugs. And, sadly today I am not seeing much improvement. Addicts are caught up in a cycle of dependence.

Their Stories

Within the short time I had the opportunity to meet both men and women and listen to their stories. A man who I didn’t mention in the book shared that he is a regular at detox and uses it as a place to get away from his wife when she has had enough of his drinking. These are stories that need to be heard.

I share the stories of three women; my roommate who is the age of my youngest daughter (she has since died of an overdose); a mother of two toddlers from Missouri; and the wife of a doctor.

A follow-up theme is how our country’s alcohol and drug problems perpetuate sexual addictions and the sex trade. Anyone who has been privy to what happens in detox and rehabilitation has a responsibility to speak out.

Thanks for reading Grow With Karen! If you know someone struggling with alcohol or drug use please share this post.

Chapter’s Conclusion

Then I would lecture them on what their mother would think if they saw them now! One thing these men and I would agree on is that I don’t belong detoxing with them. My roommate agreed, telling me that I didn’t fit in and I don’t belong. But this is God’s story, and He was well aware of why detox would be part of my story. One does not advocate for something or someone they know nothing about. Even though I resented the administration, I am grateful for every single experience.

Takeaway

It is best to advocate with experience. I did not want to be at detox, nor did I need to be, but do not regret my stay. I wanted to leave right after I showed up but today I understand the purpose behind my stay.

Word Count

3946

Journal Prompts

Coping skills are necessary to deal with the struggles brought on by the broken institutions.

1. Do you consume alcohol or take prescription drugs to deal with anxiety? Have you tried to find an alternative drug free solution?

2. Do you know that your mind can be as toxic as a drug we ingest? What are you holding onto that is keeping you sick?

Drugs are used to wean people off drug use and the detox drugs are also addictive.

1. Are you aware that detoxing from alcohol use can be deadly and detox drugs are necessary?

2. Knowing that a person needs to detox from a detox drug do you think these drugs are the answer for drug addiction?

Verse

At the conclusion of each chapter is an opportunity to reflect on the Bible verses.

“Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.” (Romans 13:13 NIV)

• What I witnessed at detox in broad daylight highlighted many of my own poor choices over the years. Romans 13:13 instructs believers to walk honestly, living above reproach and embodying virtues of love and grace. How do you measure up?

Recovery Steps

Step Four - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step Seven - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step Twelve - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

A resentment is an example of a shortcoming. It is a weakness and kept me in the vicious cycle of alcohol abuse. After reflection of this period of my life I had asked God to remove that shortcoming of being resentment of the institution.

My calling to work with women started during my time in detox. Only after completing the work am I capable of helping another.