I can't change him, but I can change.

And that barely seems fair!

I sit there and watch…

One… Jigger shot of gin, this looks like trouble.

Two… Jigger shot of gin, I am now slightly annoyed.

Three… Jigger shot of gin, now I’m pissed.

Next he’s spilling his coffee, slurring his speech, and off to bed. Fuming, I’m left to silently journal my aggression and pray. And I know as a woman in recovery for alcoholism I can’t change him, but I can change how I deal with him.

I can change…

• Myself

In recovery I have learned that change is an inside job. You have to want to change, take the necessary steps towards it and then eventually you will see the results of change. I will not ask my husband to change or place those demands on him.

• My Reaction

There have been times over the last couple years that my husband’s behavior really pissed me off. During my active alcoholism I could not maintain my emotions to deal with him, because we were both irrational. Alcohol took my feelings hostage and I was quick to react.

Now in recovery I have learned not just how to react, but I don’t have to react.

• My Lifestyle

I can decide what my lifestyle should look like and the healthy choices needed to achieve my goals. It is up to me to know what I can tolerate and what is needed to maintain my sobriety.

• How I Show Up

The person I was during my active addiction wasn’t always the most dependable or attractive person. Through the steps of recovery, I am able to expose her and create a better version of myself.

Because we know behind every successful man is an even stronger woman!

• What I Find Acceptable

Boundaries are important in any healthy relationship. I need to be firm with what I consider acceptable behavior in our marriage.

I can’t change him, but I can offer him grace.

My husband and I both decided to make healthy changes in our lives. He, however, hasn’t made the changes that I implement into my daily living to combat my problems with alcoholism. I was given grace and I can extent that same grace to him.

Important Note:

There are groups which help with family members who struggle with their addictions. But… No woman should be in an abusive marriage, when her husband isn’t willing to change. There are groups available to women living in an abusive home.

Thanks for reading my Newsletter. Each week I will share a struggle. I find writing and sharing helps my recovery. I joined Substack to be surrounded by others who find therapy through their written words, learn from those who paved the way, and to built lasting friendships.