The guest list: making the cut, when you never even made the list.
The sadness of not getting the invite.
Waiting with anticipation for an invite, followed by the disappointment that you didn’t make the list is something that happens to each of us at one time or another. It’s wedding season which means you’re either on the list or not. You’re either happy or left sad.
The three of us huddle together. When my girlfriend says, “______ is getting married and I am not invited.”
My heart skips a beat as she shares her news. My other friend and I lean in closer to offer her support. We are lost for words.
She looks towards me for a reaction. Bracing myself, knife in hand (I didn’t want to have to use it) quickly I share with her that I will be attending the wedding. She flinches in pain.
The knife is still in the gaping wound, when she looks towards our other friend. And she shares that she too will be attending the wedding. It’s as if the knife digs deeper, while the words settle in.
It’s gonna happen…
Recently, I experienced both sides of the wedding invitation debacle. Over a month ago when my friend expressed her sadness, I didn’t have the right words to soothe her, but now that it has happened to me I get it. Eventually, we won’t make the guest list and disappointment will set in.
This week’s post is a sequel to last week’s, Loving With A Healthy Heart. I referenced scripture about love—how fitting for a wedding.
Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 CSB
This week the focus is on 1 Corinthians 13:5. I had healing and time to process my feelings. Now I’m ready to share!
Questions to ask yourself…
Before we begin, I want you to ask yourself what would you do?
How have you reacted in the past by being passed over, not getting the invite?
How did it make you feel?
If you have created a guest list what criteria did you use to select the guests?
And if you are planning a wedding, where will you draw the line?
Leave a comment to share your tips.
My daughters aren’t married so we haven’t had to make a guest list. I don’t know what we will do and who will be on our invite list. For now I understand that each scenario is different. There is no set wedding etiquette for the guest list.
We have no control over making the cut, but can choose how to react if we don’t.
Scenario #1
The Relationship
My eldest daughter is in her mid-to-late twenties and she is busy attending weddings and being a bridesmaid for a half dozen of those weddings. The first wedding, two summers ago, my husband and I were invited. We knew the bride since preschool so the invite didn’t come as a surprise. Since my daughter has been in numerous weddings of her college friends and we didn’t make the list.
It’s about relationships. If I don’t have a relationship with the bride and don’t even know the parents, then clearly, we shouldn’t be invited. We didn’t even make the list in the first place in order to be cut.
To expect an invitation is self-seeking behavior. It’s about the bride and groom, not about me.
Scenario #2
Limitations
This is when it gets difficult. Typically, I’m not one to say to a friend, “You have to pick and choose,” because I don’t think it’s right to make people pick sides. But in the case of a wedding guest list it’s something that needs to happen.
At some point a line needs to be drawn. Often times there is a budget and size restraint. Again… it’s about relationships. Each relationship is different so each must be evaluated.
Don’t be angry if you don’t make the list because it’s not about you personally. Instead offer understanding.
Scenario #3
You’re Just Not Invited
Other times you will notice that the wedding list is very thorough and sadly you are the one who didn’t make the list. In this case, yes…, it is about you. People pick and choose according to who they want to celebrate their union. It’s really none of my business if I don’t get an invite.
There are reasons and we don’t need to know why. But if you have that burning desire it’s best to go right to the bride and groom. For me, however, I don’t need to know why. Ask yourself, “Do I want to get caught up in the drama?” The last several years I have learned to not ask why and I would never ask anyone to pick and choose a side, instead I’ve been enjoying a drama-free lifestyle. I simply want the best for the bride and groom.
I have no desire to look back at my past and try to figure people out. I’m healthy and happy right where I’m at. The most important lesson for me is to not keep a record of wrongs, Love is forgiving and doesn’t hold on to past hurts and grievances. And there is no need to be rude!
When it does happen…
When and if it does happen that you don’t make the list, it’s best to show up with a healthy heart. Allow yourself time to process your feelings. Find someone who is safe to confide in. Fortunately, we had friends visiting from out of town so we didn’t feel alone while every else was celebrating.
How to avoid hurt feelings…
It does hurt to be excluded from a celebration, especially if you are unclear why. Fortunately, for me I have all the tools needed and the support to overcome. Our friends who were visiting are in the process of planning a destination wedding with their daughter. We, my husband and I, made the cut but I see how difficult it is for the family to decide on the list. How to Make a Wedding Guest List is a comprehensive guide to help.
It’s going to be painful and sadness is inevitable, but remember it’s not all about you. Relationships ebb and flow through out life. We can’t control other people’s choices but how we show up.
I don’t need an invite and to be present to celebrate the marriage between friends. Extending them God’s love is the best gift we can offer. It’s the kind of love that healthy relationships are made.