It’s been twenty-eight plus days into my remodel and still no kitchen, when the job should have been completed ten plus days ago. Materials haven’t been ordered, cabinets are not made to specification, there is a breakdown in communication and my countertop liaison quit while on the job. It’s been pure chaos and I have been doing my best to not be a bitch.
Then just the other day, Sybil says, “It’s okay to be an asshole.” If I only knew then what I know now, perhaps then maybe, I would have a kitchen by now.
The Birth of an Asshole
Ralph the Asshole
Each day before the crack of dawn, hours before the roosters crow, Ralph roamed the streets of Neffsville, Pennsylvania. Ralph was a hardworking man who delivered milk for a living. Following his milk route, Ralph could be found at the local school. He also worked as a crossing guard, making sure all the little assholes crossed the street safely, while the grown assholes yelled obscenities at him.
Ralph’s dream of owning his own dairy business did not come to fruition. Ralph had a hard life.
Eventually, Ralph turned into an asshole. He was the type of man who would fight with the attendant who worked at the KFC drive thru over white and dark meat chicken. Ralph’s wife, Mary, did her best to settle Ralph down.
Together they welcomed Bonnie into their lives.
Bonnie the Bitch
Bonnie was the only child of Ralph and Mary. She was brought up spoiled and had grown accustomed to getting her way. She learned from the best. Bonnie was a woman you didn’t reckon with. She knew how to get the job done.
Bonnie achieved success. Bonnie didn’t have a hard life.
Over time, Bonnie’s get it done attitude made her appear bitchy. She was the type of woman who would tell the waitress how many ice cubes she wanted in her water. She said, “Jump!” and they would say, “How far?” Bonnie then met Carl. The two balanced each other out.
And, then Jeff was born.
We are not born as assholes, but as little angels. Over the years, due to our personality traits, life experiences, and lack of coping skills we develop some pretty nasty learned behaviors. We get battered down from the world around us and our egos compensate to deal with the messiness of life.
Nobody Likes an Asshole
The above story is based on real people and their real life experiences. They just happen to be my husband, Jeff’s, mother and grandfather. It is not my intention to disparage them, but use them as an example.
They are good people and they are doers. People who get the job done, tend to have this personality trait. Prior to recovery I could easily turn into a bitch to get my goals accomplished. Unfortunately, for me that behavior didn’t sit well and stole my peace.
Alcohol exasperates this character trait. It turns assholes into bigger assholes. Removing excess alcohol out of my marriage has restored the majority of my peace. My husband can still easily turn into an asshole, especially during a remodel project, but at least I have the coping skills to deal with him.
Character Development—Creating the Perfect Asshole
Writing is a coping skill that I use in my recovery. When something is troubling me, I write it out and then choose to share, hoping to help others.
I enjoy reading a character-driven novel. And, I have discovered that creating characters based on real-life people has brought my speculative memoir to life. My reader will be so engaged with the characters that they won’t even notice the transformation happening within themselves as they read Swallow Your Pride.
Who doesn’t love the perfect asshole?!
My goal is that by the end of reading my novel, the reader will fall for the antagonist and sympathize with their struggles. Because, we all have just a little asshole within us that makes an appearance as we journey through life.
Sybil says, “You can be a Yogi 80% of the time and an asshole the other 20%.”
Throughout each week I like to play a game called Sybil Says. It’s much like Simon Says but we play it at Yogavibez with Sybil.
Sybil takes us through a sequence of poses. As her pupil I like to please her so I do as she says. Each practice has a life lesson applied. The other day it was about how we show up in life.
We are humans and not perfect. The 20% is to offer grace for our human behaviors. On the mat we work on breaking down our ego and not comparing ourselves to others. If we can apply these practices in and out of the Yoga studio it helps to keep our negative behavior in check.
Remodeling—the 20% it’s okay to be an asshole bitch.
Nobody likes an asshole or a bitchy person. But to get the job done, there needs to be a certain level of assertion. It’s a fine line between being a bitch and being assertive.
When we offer to review someone’s writing it’s a good practice to offer something positive before we unload the negativity. It’s best to not point fingers and criticize. Instead of making commands, stress the importance of simply having a conversation. It’s good to be heard and it’s really all about the approach.
Contractors work with bitchy homeowners all day, everyday. It is important to understand everyone’s position and not to overstep our role. It takes just the right amount of bitchiness to get the job done.
What would Jesus do?
Please offer me grace… I do realize that these words are offensive, but they are common, everyday words, used in daily conversation. We are human and behave as humans do.
Our behaviors should represent who we are as children of God. God has freely offered us grace and we are to extend it to others. Using this approach peace is achieved.
And, just remember nobody likes a jerk.
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:
1 Peter 4:10 ESV
This reminds me of a Lebanese woman I knew years ago. She was a often total bitch and used people she knew to get what she wanted, but she did get what she wanted! She also had a lovely kind warm side too though.
I'm quite new to the house renovation thing and hiring contractors and I realised after my last one that I was going to have to be a bit tougher. It's not really me. Oh I can be a bitch, just ask my almost ex husband!! But I much prefer to be chilled and go with the flow and let things go. I figure if people want to take advantage of that, it's on them and their karma. But I am prepared to be a bit tougher when my kitchen work starts!