Once again reality sets in… When I try to control a situation, my life starts to go awry. My husband and I are remodeling our kitchen and playing the role of general contractor, subbing out each part of our remodel. It doesn’t matter what I do, the install will happen when the cabinets are ready.
Surrendering by relinquishing control is the only way for me to stay the course. If I’m going to get through this remodel with peace it’s time to start surrendering.
Life was going better than planned. The woman’s daughters successfully progressed to their next stage of life, both with bright futures. Her husband, her faithful drinking companion, and herself were about to celebrate twenty-five years drunk on love. And her friends, like herself, didn’t want the party to end.
Then following a night of binge-drinking, she finds herself arrested and charged with assault. All because she was trying to manage a situation that should have never escalated to the level it did.
As a woman who has successfully navigated adulthood up until that point, she thought, “this is nothing that I can’t handle.” What does she do? She takes the bull by its horns, hires an attorney, and finds a place to address her drinking problem.
A week into her stint at rehab, she discovers her private life is made public. Now she is the talk of her town. No longer is it the alcohol, but her pride that stands in the way of her recovery.
April 6, 2021, that woman was brought to her knees and humbled before God. He delivered Jesus into her life.
It sounds as if a lack of control got that woman in trouble. One might think maybe if she kept her wits, she would have been able to manage the situation without getting arrested.
I have so many questions… For starters…
Who behaves that way?
Me!
It wasn’t the first time, but it was the final time that I got so inebriated that I lost total control. As a mother who struggled with control issues, successfully navigating motherhood until that point, no longer would I be permitted to do life my way.
I would go to the ends of the earth to protect those I care about. And that became apparent the night of my arrest, when I was unable to perform my motherly tasks. God’s plans would supersede my own.
My life has been quite mundane up until that night. I was your typical housewife who lives in suburbia. My future was all mapped out and certainly did not include an arrest and spending time in a rehab.
How important was my schedule?
Very!
Life doesn’t never happens as planned. We can micro-manage, do the work, and go the extra mile, but we have no control over the outcome.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan and work hard. When we have a schedule and do our best to maintain a schedule it helps us to meet our goals.
However, sometimes our goals are not what’s best for us. The most unfortunate circumstances can help us achieve even bigger goals. A night of binge drinking, that led to an arrest, and then to rehab each play an intricate part leading to a bigger purpose for my life.
When something doesn’t go as planned, the result just might be an unexpected path, leading to a much better way to live. The same schedule, just a different timeline with a clearer vision. It’s how we choose to view the outcome.
What did I lose control of?
Nothing.
As I approached fifty, I slowly felt as if I was losing control of my life.
I no longer was pursuing my passion of kitchen design, because it got in the way of our lifestyle, the freedom to travel. When we stop doing what we love, we lose our autonomy.
My daughters both were no longer children, but independent women. Parents do have a semblance of control over their children, but not when they grow into adults.
My world was falling apart and I was only making matters worse. When our world implodes we need to lean in, supporting each other, not cast stones.
It became apparent I never had control to begin with, just the need for control.
Why do I need to relinquish control?
For my sanity!
Over the years trying to control a situation that wasn’t mine to control left me resorting to alcohol. I did not have healthy coping skills. My relationships started to suffer.
Once I get out of my own way and let everything play out as life is meant to happen, then life starts to unfold purposefully. The result, peace settles in and for the first time I am hopeful.
What happens when I relinquish control of my husband?
He makes better choices.
When we don’t remove the excess alcohol in marriage it leads to dysfunction. We have control over how we choose to live out our life, but not so much our spouse. If they choose to drink more than we like it is important to have coping skills.
I am deciding what sobriety looks like in my life, not my husband’s life. This is where God comes in. I take our problems right to God and prayer for our marriage.
My husband is much more at peace when I don’t try to micromanage the way he deals with the problems in his life. Instead I attempt to radiate peace and offer him a sense of calm.
It isn’t always easy, because emotions still get in the way. At least we both are cognizant of our past problems and have the same end goal, to maintain a happy marriage.
What happens when I relinquish control of my daughters?
They reach out to me for advise.
Our children grow up and forge their own path no matter how they are parented. They each have their own experiences that shape their lives. It is about adapting to them, not controlling their lives to fit our expectations.
My attempt to control their lives only led to confrontation. My actions created a rift in our relationships. The result was building anger and resentment.
I thought I knew what was best for each of their lives. Maintaining a semblance of control I thought would restore peace, when it had the opposite effect.
As parents it our jobs to offer a foundation, but allow the creator to work within their lives. If successful we can bare witness, watching as their lives flourish. More importantly, share the proper coping skills needed to overcome daily struggles.
In the end, I no longer desire to drink myself to oblivion and do my best to shadow good behavior to my husband and daughters.
Enough about my alcohol consumption and my shady past, we have a kitchen to remodel!
When will my kitchen be ready?
I have no clue🤔
The beginning of March I placed a cabinet order in the hopes of having them installed by first week of May. I held up my end. I designed the kitchen, specified each cabinet, and paid the deposit so the materials could be ordered.
As the install date approached, I was told the cabinets are not quite ready. Apparently, they missed ordering some of the components. I have worked in the industry for twenty+ years and I am very familiar with scheduling delays. So what does a woman who has struggled with control most of her adult life do?
She turns up the heat.
Overstepping my role, I called the countertop people to schedule a template that suits me and then emailed my plans to the cabinet maker. My plans were nixed when they said the cabinets would not be ready. Clearly, unless I am willing to make my own cabinets I am at their mercy.
The cabinets are over a week out. I will still get my kitchen, simply on a new schedule.
Where is this writing journey taking me?
I don’t know what I am doing here. Through recovery I discovered a new passion. Writing. Writing is healing. It’s a way to work out my problems. Sharing helps because it keeps me accountable and unites me with others who are also struggling.
I am not sure where this journey will take me or how long it will take to get there. I am encountering roadblocks along the way but nothing I can’t manage. Getting our words out to our perspective audience is much more difficult than I originally thought. All I know is I just got to keep doing the work, placing one word in front of the next.
What I do know is that when I relax, loosen up my restraints, my words start to flow. The words will get to where they need to be heard. The destination isn’t determined by me. It’s more about enjoying the journey.
Who do I need to relinquish control to?
My higher power.
Given all the inner turmoil, I did not have the proper coping skills to deal with life. I turned towards alcohol as my remedy. My need for control left me surrendering full control.
My plans took me to a dark place but when I dealt with my pride problem my future appeared brighter. It takes courage to surrender and even more to place our trust in a spiritual being.
The lessons I am learning through the Bible and my relationship with Christ is to offer grace, be courteous, understanding and allow my life and remodel to unfold as predetermined by God.
God’s plan for my life serves a purpose. His plans are so much bigger than myself. I am given the opportunity to meet people where they are at and walk with them towards a brighter future.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21
Offering Grace
Here it is Wednesday, May 8, and my goal was to post Remodeling a House Built On Sand each Tuesday and on Thursdays I strive to post my Wordpress blog.
Well… that will not be happening this week.
Both posts will be posted by the end of the week, just not on my schedule. The kitchen remodel is slowly progressing with minor setbacks. I remain grateful that I have a roof over my head and the opportunity to design my own kitchen.
My new approach offers grace not just for myself, but each contractor that steps foot in my home. Because life happens and it is out of our control. Working with a good attitude and surrendering all of my issues to God, allows my peace to radiate to all others.
Ahhh control! My favorite thing to grip tightly as if I make any difference in the world, only to hit my head once more and remember that surrender is so much easier. I appreciate the rawness in your story about what led you to your higher power. The night everything went south followed by rehab and how you’ve found your way since. I relate on such a deep level to your experience and how it completely flips us upside down to confront the truth and find a solution. Thank god for a solution and that we are not in control!! Because lord knows if things actually went my way we’d all be in trouble. I have faith the cabinets will be in your possession right when they need to be, maybe not want lol, and I look forward to following along! 💜