Our Tumultuous Love-Hate Relationships

Finding the beauty in the ugliness of our past.

Relationships are constructed through out the years. They develop from consistent behaviors into loving or hate-filled unions. They are a by-product of a current state of being.

Healthy, loving relationships are built with respect, trust, emotional safety, open communications, support, compromise, kindness and empathy. These attributes all offer healthy growth. Today they are what I strive for when I surround myself with the people in my life.

Love-Hate Relationships

The hate-filled relationships are the antithesis. They lack trust, respect and support; they manipulate and control; they invite conflict; they promote emotional and physical abuse; and codependence. These were the constructs of the relationship of my past before recovery.

My Love-Hate Past Relationship

By the time I turned fifty, I developed a love-hate relationship with myself. The love I felt was surface level, where the hate was deeply rooted. What showed up was a woman who was ill, not so much physically, but emotionally and spiritually. She was a woman in need of recovery.

The hate developed overtime stemming from my childhood. Inadequacies and insecurities grabbed hold. Being born with a birth defect, while being picked on for my speech; placed in special classes because I struggled with learning; and living within a dysfunctional household that lacked respect all had a part to play.

My deep seeded hate grew into something much worse later in life. Pride. The love I felt was shallow and offered a false sense of security. It presented itself through my unhealthy habits.

Don’t get me wrong… It’s not that I didn’t have loving relationships. I came from a loving, yet dysfunctional family. My husband and daughters adored me. I surrounded myself with friends who stood by my side during the toughest period of my life. I had an abundance of loving relationships, each unconditional.

I just didn’t have one with myself!

How and when the love-hate relationship presented itself…

When I reflect on my poor relationship with myself I see how alcohol played a big part. I wasn’t your all day/everyday type drinker (even though that was quickly evolving into a bigger part of my life), but I used alcohol to deal with my inadequacies.

Alcohol offers a false sense of security, an ego boost, if you will. It offers the courage to break out of an unhealthy shell and lift one’s inhibitions. It changed my mindset, I thought others viewed me as a beautiful person, not the ugliness I felt inside.

At fifty, four years ago, is when it all changed for me. It’s when I decided change was needed in my life. Since, I have learned what self-love is and have been cultivating healthy relationships, not just with myself, but everyone else in my life.

My Current Relationships

In recovery I choose to work on myself, not my relationship with alcohol. My problem isn’t the alcohol but my past. And I made a choice early on, I wasn’t going to let alcohol interfere with my relationships or dictate my recovery.

Today, I spend time with my girlfriends that I meet in recovery, many of whom no longer drink alcohol. I also spend time with the drunks in my life (using the term lovingly). I choose not to judge others behaviors, instead choose to relate to them.

When I left rehab I was warned to stay away from anyone who engages in the activities that encourage alcohol use. I choose to work on myself and not allow others and their recreational activity interfere with my recovery. This approach has strengthened my recovery and each relationship.

How I view others who drink…

This past weekend we (my husband and I) were invited to a party in our hometown. We traveled the distance to stay with friends and go to the binge drinking palooza, like many other social engagements that include an overabundance of alcohol. I observed the other party-goers. I watched as the alcohol grabbed hold, demeaners changed and pride presented itself.

At the end of the evening, when the party was still in full swing, I approached the hostess thanking her for opening her home. She very much reminded me of the girl I once was. A fifty-year-old woman who looked and played the part of the “alcoholic,” not the normal drinker. Her hair dry and dull, while her complexion showed years of abuse. Her words were not quite coherent, but when she spoke to me it was very complementary. It was my hair, skin, body… that she liked.

This is when my pride, once again, made an appearance. Her compliments fed right into my ego. Apparently, my insecurities are still alive within me and even with a sober-mind her words validated what I need to hear. This opened up the door for me to judge her.

Drunk On Words: Sobriety challenged or sober-minded.

What is it to be Sober-minded?

It’s not for me to judge her, but she is simply a reminder of who I know longer want to be. I don’t know her past, but I can tell you she isn’t active in recovery. When you meet the “alcoholic” in public, please know, they are acting from an unhealthy place. Most are hurting and it’s a self-inflicted wound.

The Love I Have For Others

In recovery we learn to not judge but accept people for who they are. We don’t need to agree with their lifestyle and we don’t even need to be part of their daily lives. We are called to be compassionate and kind. Recovery is a personal journey of growth for anyone with a hurt, hang-up, and/or habit. The gift that follows is healthy relationships.

Brothers and sisters, if someone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted.

Galatians 6:1 CSB

The prior verse is associated with Celebrate Recovery’s 12 steps and biblical comparisons. Step twelve states: Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs. It’s a clear direction as to how I handle those who are still struggling and it comes with a warning.

It’s a reminder that I am no different, just at a different stage in recovery. I am still subject to falling if I don’t maintain my healthy coping skills.

The love I have for myself…

I found what works for me and excess alcohol has no part for the new me. It’s not to say that I won’t have a glass of wine. I’m not an alcoholic, nor am I an addict. Those days are long gone.

I treat my body as a temple. Learning to maintain a sober-mind, maintaining my composure and filling my spiritual tank; replace the unhealthy coping that included alcohol with yoga, writing, and recovery groups; and offering my body the nourishment it needs for my hair and skin to age with grace.

I no longer have that deep rooted hate, rather discovered the love that was buried in my heart. It’s the kind of unconditional love that God offers us through His Son, Jesus Christ. And, it’s not just for me to keep, but to extend to others.