Learning to Give Unconditionally
The gift of not giving a rat's a$s.
At the cost of possibly losing a subscriber, I chose this subtitle, The gift of not giving a rat’s a$s, as opposed to one equally as derogatory. And that’s okay, but it’s not easy because I can use all the subscribers I can get! My real threat is the title, Learning to Give Unconditionally, because my message is Christian-based. It is through Christ that I am learning to give unconditionally.
There is much to learn about the writing process. We need to educate ourselves on story structure and grammar, publishing, and marketing. On top of these crucial components of writing, we need to learn how to be a good literary citizen by supporting others and their writing. Learning to give unconditionally to others who don’t seem to give a rat’s a$s about our own writing isn’t easy.
Every thought we put into words, we risk losing a follower. My subscriber list is like a roller coaster, it’s up and then it’s down. It’s up to me, I can choose to unsubscribe to them as well or continue to follow their journey. It’s a choice to support them unconditionally.
Learning to give unconditionally by gifting a heart to a literary friend who shares a Substack post or note, while ignoring my writing and to my social media friends, offering them each a thumbs up without expecting anything in return has been difficult for me. What helps me is to not give a rat’s a$s if they offer me a heart or a the thumbs up in return. Rather, I find joy in writing and sharing from my heart.
Nobody is asking me to write this newsletter. And nobody is making you read it. I am offering a gift, consider it a belated Christmas present. Do with it what you will but know I don’t accept returns.
A Friend’s Gift
When I first started writing (less than five years ago), I asked a couple friends to read what I had written. I was looking for validation, that my words were worthy. A few friends graciously accepted, while others ignored my request. A few friends offered me feedback, while others silence.
Nobody said, “Karen, you need to write your story.” My friends support my recovery journey unconditionally. They don’t need to read my story and offer a thumbs up or heart of encouragement.
It is disheartening when our friends dismiss our writing, questioning, Do we bore them with our words? Then a friend, who is an English teacher and fellow writer said, “Karen, I want to read more of this!”
Stepping out onto the hard pavement, I hear the clang of metal thrusting metal. The air is heavy; I am being suffocated by my unconscious guilt. I squeeze the cold bars, craving just a taste of your robust body. Crippled by fear, I am in shackles, unable to escape my prison. I am held captive by my flawed self, not wanting to break free of the bondage of my pleasures.
Strong and forceful, your hands are begging me to surrender. They search my body, hoping to find the shame buried deep inside. I allow them to penetrate me, wanting to be set free. They ignite a fire from within.
Turning around to face you, I plead with my eyes, begging you to see my innocence. I search your deep, dark eyes for compassion. My façade is burning, the flames surrounding me, protecting me. Not allowing you too close, knowing you will only get burned.
My wrists bound, unable to cradle you in my hands. Inhaling your scent, noting the bitterness from your past. My mouth wants to savor your full, complex body; explore your angular, muscular frame. Resorting only to the use of my mouth, I long to take a sip to enjoy your warm juice, like a Lambrusco on a hot Florida day.
Calling out to God, I plead for Him to remove my deep, dark obsession—to have Him fill me with His Spirit, restoring my sanity. I know He has other plans for me. Your obsession with the flesh is much more displeasing to Him.
Restraining your hands, protecting you from my damaged soul, you use your mouth, and I ignite your senses. The heat of my skin makes your mouth water. The tip of your tongue is fooled by my sweetness. As it lingers, a burning sensation intensifies. Held captive by my vulnerability. Not allowing you to taste me, only feel me. To taste me will fuel your desire.
We need to extinguish the flames, keeping our desires at bay. Otherwise, our shame will spread like a wildfire, consuming us. Destroying the plans God has for us.
Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery, Part One—Igniting the Flames of Shame
Copyright © 2025 by Karen Esbenshade
“All rights reserved.”
My friend requested I include more of the previous storytelling in my book. Throughout my introspective novel I interjected pieces of flash fiction. Jezebel, the antagonist, appears alongside her love-interest, Casanova. Each demonstrating how temptation presents itself in our lives.
It’s important to have a well-crafted message when we write a book or newsletter, but to retain the reader’s attention it is equally important to entertain with our words. Swallow Your Pride’s message is directed towards the reader, the woman that stands in the way of her own recovery. It’s a tough message to swallow, so it’s important that my writing style makes it digestible.
The message must be clear and concise. My attention span is short and it takes a lot to retain my attention. The writer’s voice helps me to determine if I should continue to follow another writer’s journey, even if they are not interested in my writing.
I discovered a gift, the passion of writing flash fiction. My gift to you includes short fictional storytelling, used as a plot devise, to introduce the antagonist, Jezebel and her sidekick Casanova.
God’s Gift
I, nor my writing, is God’s gift to you. God has equipped each of us with spiritual gifts. AI states that Spiritual Gifts are special supernatural abilities given by God (through the Holy Spirit). God has gifted many writers on Substack with the gift of communicating through their words.
God’s words are provided for each of us in the Bible. He has also gifted us with His Son, whose birthday we just celebrated. Gift-giving at Christmas time is symbolic of the Magi who gave the gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to baby Jesus.
My gift to you… Do you know that Jesus wasn’t a newborn when the Magi, the three wise men, presented their gifts? He was between the age of twelve months and two years.
AI’s overview: The Magi’s gifts teach powerful lessons about Jesus’ identity and inspire each of us to share our time and talent. As writers we need to educate ourselves by reading and learning from others, unconditionally, even if they have a separate set of beliefs. It isn’t easy but that is how we grow.
Not only are we to entertain with our words but strengthen our message with Biblical truths. My relationship with Christ started less than five years ago, so I am still in my infancy stage and continue to grow my faith and as a writer.
Do you know the year Christ was born? Most of the friends I asked equated His birth with BC, guessing 0 B.C. There is no year zero but it was during the reign of King Herod, 6-4 BC.
The Gift of Recovery
Unconditionally, we support one another in recovery, letting others know we are their for them no matter what. It doesn’t mean we support poor choices and enable negative behavior but offer compassion for life’s trials. The gifts received by working our steps, free us from our unhealthy character traits.
I don’t like everyone’s writing style, but I like that they have courage to show up. Unconditionally, I keep showing up for them; sharing their writing, liking if I don’t love what I read, without expecting anything in return. And it’s okay, but it isn’t easy because my character defects interfere with my good intentions.
People Pleasing
I have found myself agreeing to review fellow writers’ books, even after I found they aren’t a good fit for me. Then fear of being rejected, I have trouble saying “no.” My intention is to help them by giving a 5-star review, leading to resentment.
A gift to myself is to stop being a people pleaser, rather look for Substack’s that I enjoy reading and help me to grow as a writer. And learn to properly communicate, if I am not interested. I am discovering the gift of satisfying myself.
At first I found myself liking someone else’s Substack because I wanted them to like me. This approach only upset me, when I discovered not everyone will unconditionally choose to follow my journey. And that’s okay, but it isn’t easy because I know my writing isn’t for everyone.
Self-Seeking Behavior
My people pleasing started because I wanted others to like and share my writing, even if they didn’t. I know it’s wrong to feel this way. It’s self-seeking behavior and considered sinful. It perpetuates an unhealthy cycle of not being authentic on Substack.
A gift to myself is that my writing doesn’t need the approval of others. I find healing through writing and connections through sharing unconditionally.
Humility
Alcohol is what introduced me to the need to recover but pride is why I remain in recovery. Of all the sins: greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth—it is pride that brought me down.
A once pride-filled woman (still am), I discovered that humility is the antithesis of Pride. The key to humility is learning to put other’s first. The gift of humility allows me to give unconditionally, not expecting anything in return.
A Gift For Myself
In 2026 I will continue to write from my heart and share to connect with others. However, a gift for myself is to switch gears and focus on fiction. I will be investing in myself, choosing to follow other writer’s and professionals I can learn from. There is no greater joy than doing what I love.
Thank You - My Gift to You
I will continue to support other writers unconditionally and be grateful for the gift of time. When I offer you a like or share it will be from a grateful ❤️. When I receive your newsletter in my inbox, I may not have time to read it and acknowledge it with a heart or offer a comment, but I consider your writing a gift.
I wasn’t going to give you a gift this holiday season. But by offering this gift to you, it’s also a gift for me! Writing out my emotions helps me to process my unhealthy thoughts. My self-seeking and people-pleasing behaviors have gotten the better of me.
I do want to thank you for taking the time to read. There is no need to like or share. You just need to know I’m grateful for your time.