I do, but sometimes I don't: The problem with the Christian Marriage.

I didn't sign up for this.

When I married my husband I said, “I do,” but sometimes can’t my choice be contingent on his behavior? If he turns into an irritable prick can I say, “I don’t?” The problem with the Christian marriage is it’s a commitment that is not solely based on feelings but on a steadfast decision to love even when faced with difficulties.

I do love my husband.

I married a really good guy and a great father. He is committed to our relationship and our family. I do love him for who he is, my husband.

I love his passion, but I wish he is more compassionate. I love his loyalty, but I wish he could be more patient. I love his warm heart, but I can’t stand how cold he can be.

The Love-Hate Relationship

We are married going on thirty years and it isn’t always easy. We are both highly emotional beings and at times our emotions disrupt our relationship. Our relationship has been volatile over the years.

The problem I have with my husband is that he can be an irritable prick. However, when he’s not, he’s quite loving. Being married to him can be likened to a roller coaster ride of emotions. One moment it’s bliss, the next I’m pissed off.

I don’t love being married to an asshole.

There are plenty of colorful words to describe an irritable person, many of which are derogatory and few might be frowned upon. However, I am the kind of girl that calls a spade a spade. Asshole applies to my husband’s behavior, so at the risk of being offensive I’m going with it.

My husband and I just got done traveling by motorcycle 1000+ miles, 17 hours and then by car another 1200+ miles, 20 hours. We traveled through eight states for a week long vacation. It was a grueling trip.

When we stopped for lunch on day two of our trip, my husband had one of his irritable flare-ups. Due to his lack of patience, he turned into his a-hole self, when the bus person wouldn’t allow him to sit, until they wiped the counter.

I was forced to subdue the situation which challenged my patience with my husband. My new and improved attitude (thanks to my recovery) is to treat each individual with kindness. The bus person didn’t deserve my husband’s aggressive behavior, so I chose to override my husband’s contempt for the person, instead treated them with understanding.

As we got up to leave, the bus person thanked my husband for his patience, which I appreciated their sarcasm and then they wished me a great day.

I do need coping skills to maintain my marriage.

Prior to changing my lifestyle, I found alcohol use (one drink would suffice) to offer what was needed to deal with my husband and his mood swings. Today I don’t drink alcohol for that reason because I found an inner peace, that offers a natural calming effect. In lieu of an alcoholic beverage during my husband’s restaurant tirade I chose a mocktail.

The Grapefruit Rosemary Spritz: Grapefruit juice, rosemary simple syrup, soda, cayenne peppered rim, and rosemary garnish. Yum!

However, a mocktail alone doesn’t provide the patience needed to deal with him. It’s not the alcohol that was destroying my marriage, but the lack of healthy coping skills. Living life while not abusing alcohol allows me to slow my anger, but not get rid of it.

I don’t always keep calm and have to work at maintaining my patience.

Like my husband I tend to get irritable. While I am doing well with most everyone who I cross paths with offering compassion and understanding, it’s my husband who I struggle with. I am learning to remove myself during his negative outbursts or to redirect our conversations.

The Bible offers good instruction regarding love:

… is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:5 CSB

My husband and I both struggle with the above scripture statement. It helps me to read scripture daily to redirect my flawed thinking and attitude.

Keeping a Record of Wrongs

Being a Christian is difficult because expectations are set and as a human it’s easy to fall short. Then others can point to the Christian as a hypocrite, when really what is needed is grace and understanding.

At the end of the first days ride, the pain from six hours of immobility settled into my legs. My legs could barely carry me to the restaurant/bar. What motivated me to move ahead was a cool refreshing beverage.

My mind was clear but my body tense from the ride. With a clear head I ordered a glass of a dry Rose wine, when I knew it goes against my recovery. Typically, a meditation or journaling is all it takes to work me through my struggles, but riding on the back of my husband bike called for liquid refreshment.

When I mentioned to my husband how I planned on ordering a glass of wine to relieve me of the pain, he was quick to call me out as a hypocrite.

In my recovery I have not sworn off all alcohol, but the misuse of alcohol. Binging on alcohol for recreational use and using it for comfort both go against what I stand for.

The apostle Paul says,

For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate.

Romans 7:15 CSB

So why did I do it? Why did I order that glass of wine with the pretense of numbing the pain in my legs? Well… I didn’t do it for that reason. I ordered the glass of wine to bring me down from six hours of anxiety that my mind placed on my body.

I didn’t order the wine to get drunk or to control my emotions, but true relaxation. Not that that’s an excuse.

I do know how alcohol impacts my marriage.

One glass of wine may have brought some relaxation for myself, but anymore surely could ignite a raging inferno of emotions between the two of us. Excess alcohol prevents me from regulating my emotions. I can’t offer my husband the patience and support he needs to de-escalate his emotional tirades when I don’t have control of my own.

It barely seems fair that I have to be the one to change, but change is a choice. I don’t like how alcohol alters my state of being. Alcohol puts me in a negative reactive mode. I would rather react with grace than anger.

I have been given grace for my misuse of alcohol and am making changes that impact both of our lifestyles. It’s important that I give my husband the same grace, until he finds what works best for him and his coping. Alcohol is a part of my family life and the best thing I can do is to show my husband and daughters that alcohol should not be abused.

I don’t always practice what I preach.

The last four and half years I’ve been maintaining a healthy level of sobriety. I don’t go around preaching that alcohol is bad, because it’s not the alcohol but the person that is to blame for the alcohol-induced behavior. I am of the mindset that if your body reacts poorly to alcohol and control doesn’t work abstinence is key.

Individually we need to know our tolerance. For me I know that if I choose to drink more than one drink I am putting my emotional sobriety to the test.

Night three into the journey I found myself breaking another one of my rules. Although I started the evening with a mocktail, followed by a glass of wine with dinner, it was after dinner where I fell short.

Caught up with the live music and the excitement of the others at the hotel bar is where I thought, “sure I can have another.” I sat devouring the most delicious piece of Key Lime Pie, while my second glass of wine sat idle.

The glass of red wine had nothing on this dessert!

As humans we are going to have emotions and are susceptible to anger. I have much better control over my emotions when I remain sober-minded. There is something that happens to me when I consume a certain amount of alcohol. It’s a transformation that I am cognizant of. I become a person who I don’t want to be.

I am learning to listen to my body and my body told me that I had enough, so I did not finish a perfectly fine glass of red wine.

I do know how alcohol impacts me.

My husband’s behavior is a trigger for me to react negatively. Alcohol only amplifies my emotional expression. It’s one thing if he chooses to drink to deal with his emotions but another if I do it with him. I’m not willing to let alcohol have that stronghold on me.

It’s important that we each individually understand how our bodies respond to alcohol. We may not all be alcoholic, but it doesn’t give us free rein to abuse alcohol and turn into a-holes.

The Relationship Between Alcohol and Anger

The Truth Behind Alcohol and Anger, medically reviewed by Kendra Kubala, PsyD and Hope Gillette explains the relationship between alcohol and anger.

The article shares a distinction between anger vs. hostility and aggression. Anger is an emotion that is related to dissatisfaction, displeasure, hurt, and frustration. Being angry doesn’t make us hostile or aggressive, but can lead to both.

The a-hole, alcoholic, may actually be experiencing aggression or hostility because of their lack of coping.

Alcohol is a depressant linked to the central nervous system. The frontal lobe of the brain is impacted by alcohol. This area of the brain is responsible for:

• emotional regulation

• decision making

• impulse control

• behavior regulation

• planning

When these functions are suppressed by alcohol it impacts our reactions, including angry outbursts.

The frontal lobe allows us to handle our emotions but when impacted by alcohol we lose that. When our inhibitions are lifted during drinking we are more likely to react on our emotions. In recovery, not only do we work on the addiction, but more importantly we work on the underlying issues that result as our anger.

People drink for a number of reasons, but for many it’s because they have unresolved issues. In recovery we are given the tools to deal with those issues. We also are made aware of our triggers. My husband’s mood swings are my trigger.

Alcohol compromises our relationship because it amplifies my emotions. I don’t like the way alcohol makes me feel. Where one drink might offer relaxation, it is not safe for me to continue drinking.

With excess alcohol I am likely to turn into an asshole to my husband and that’s not who I want to be.

I don’t want to forsaken my second change.

I’ve worked so hard and found peace from within. Alcohol puts me at risk. Is it risky behavior to drink when you have had a problem in the past? For me, I have identified my triggers and know my limitations. I have found coping through meditating on scripture and building a relationship with my higher power, Jesus.

God offered me grace, not because I earned it, but as a gift. It’s not for me to keep it, rather extend it to others, including my husband. My grace is a gift to my husband. I am working on not becoming irritable when he is irritable.

I do know that love isn’t irritable.

Bobby Scott, a Pastor at a church in Los Angelos, wrote The Ordinary War with Irritability. The apostle Paul shares God shows believers a better way — a more excellent way — to respond to challenging people and difficult circumstances. It’s clearly a message they needed to hear, and one we too need to learn. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul’s classic chapter on love, he teaches the community of God’s covenant people what true love does and doesn’t do.

The following are examples of how we as believers of Christ can respond when others threaten our expectations:

1. Accept responsibility for your attitude. I don’t need to react irritable to my husband’s tirades.

2. Grow in wisdom and grace. I can continue to look to Scripture when I am struggling with my irritability and offer understanding.

3. Deal with real problems righteously. I need to not turn to alcohol to deal with my emotions but work on the root cause.

I do want to work through my problems of the marriage I made before God.

Traveling for a week with very little alone time didn’t allow for much reading and writing, both needed for coping. And traveling by motorcycle has definitely challenged my sobriety. But what it did was remind me that there is more work to be done.

Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.

1 Peter 5:8-9 CSB

When we arrived at the mid-point of our trip, at our home in Florida, we ran into Cliff and Suzy Lea. Cliff is the Pastor of the church we attend. The two were out to dinner celebrating their first date anniversary.

My husband and I are not alone in our struggles with marriage. We can look to others as to how Christ is working within their marriages for encouragement. There are groups available to help.

Resources

Alcoholics Anonymous was my introduction to recovery and helped me to determine my problems with alcohol. When I decided to remove the focus from alcohol and place it on me I switched to Celebrate Recovery. Celebrate Recovery is for anyone with a hurt, hang up, and/or habit. It is in this group where I work on my problems with co-dependency within my relationships. Al-Anon is a family group for the family members dealing with an alcoholic. And finally… if you are threatened physically or mentally from your spouse it’s important to consider a support group for domestic violence.