Communicating Compassion: What not to do.

Remodeling a house built on sand.

It’s been five months since I hired a professional to oversee my kitchen remodel. As each day passes my frustration grows with no end in sight. When the workers do show up, they make little progress. There is a communication breakdown, because the cabinets are not being made to order.

I am able to share with you “what not to do” through my experiences, not just with the kitchen remodel but life in general. I have found that communicating compassion is key for having a peaceful response when a remodel and/or life goes awry.

Communication is Key

The previous image is the text I received from the job foreman of my remodel on a Friday night. This is exhibit 1 as to why I don’t have a fully functioning kitchen. Clearly, the man has issues.

What Not To Do

1. Communicating promises you cannot keep

2. Communicating out of anger

3. Communicating while intoxicated

For over twenty-five years I worked as an independent casework designer. It was my responsibility to clearly communicate with my client so I could design their dream kitchen, place an order to exact specification for custom cabinets to be created, and work alongside the installer for a smooth installation. Here I am today fumbling through my own kitchen installation, because I selected an operation that is falling short on communication.

Do not make promises you cannot keep.

The people-pleaser in me has wreaked havoc in my life. I have learned when selling a job it’s best to not oversell which can lead to under delivering. We can barely control our part of a job let alone others. A well-coordinated installation is a combination of all parts working together.

Do not communicate out of anger.

One of the most disgraceful behaviors was using my words to incite division and hate mongering. The angst I had for society turned into resentment. The result of my untreated alcoholic behavior was bitterness expressed through communication. It was quite unflattering. Words should be used to lift people up and offer hope, not weaponized.

Untreated alcoholic behaviors can lead to irrational texting and posting on social media. During my active addiction I communicated out of anger and frustration. Even though I wasn’t even drunk the words were belligerent in nature. I made certain to wait twenty-four hours to spew my hate, as if that was a healthy way to communicate.

Do not communicate when intoxicated with alcohol.

Alcohol and/or other mood altering drugs keep us from properly accessing a situation. Emotions easily can hijack even our best intentions leaving us regretting our actions. Words expressed on the open web with the intent to harm others, does far more harm to ourselves.

What To Do

1. Do not look for blame

2. Do not cast judgement

3. Do not communicate with anger

My husband and I are apt to offer grace to the remodeler, because we understand the frustration of the small business owner. Being small business owners ourselves, we understand the added pressure of being dependent on other people. I also understand the effects these pressures have if proper coping skills are not put in place.

Do understand your part of the problem.

I jumped into the kitchen remodel without any background information on the cabinet maker. When making an investment for a remodel it’s best to do our due diligence.

I should not have assumed everything would perfectly fall into place. Remodeling, especially where we live, isn’t always timely. Communication is key not just for the cabinet maker but myself. I fell short on communicating my needs.

Do seek understanding and offer solutions.

I made the mistake of making assumptions. When we communicate off assumptions, we do not seek the truth. Then when parts of the remodel go awry we easily removed our part and cast blame on others. This approach prevented me from seeking the solutions to my problems.

While the world around me was crumbling, I selfishly did not want to understand the views of others and basis for their beliefs. I went through life narrow-minded. The ideas had to fit my preconceived ideas. Once we understand another person’s perspective, then we can find solutions or at least a middle ground.

Do communicate with compassion.

If anything the two text messages (pictured above) signify that this man is struggling. He had men who quit and no support to see the job through. More importantly he doesn’t have the proper coping mechanisms to deal with his crisis.

I have learned to offer him grace, while at the same time be firm with my expectations. Acting out of anger doesn’t help and being resentful of a situation where I have no control only hurts me.

The kitchen is taking shape. It is missing interior components, open shelving, a couple cabinet doors, molding and the sea shell back splash.

Communicating with God

Running a small business and relying on others to see the job through is very stressful. Overtime without the right coping mechanisms in place, alcoholism (substance abuse) can grab hold. I watched as my husband struggled, being dependent on others while having to see the job through created mental anguish.

Repentance for My Sins

I didn’t have the coping skills and wasn’t a peaceful presence for my husband. It was easier to join him and drown in our alcohol together than deal with the pressure. Repenting for my alcohol abuse and alcoholic behaviors frees me from my alcoholic past and to be a new creation in Christ.

Prayer and Petition

I have the tools I need for God’s will to be done in my life. Through prayer I can communicate with God and petition a request. I need to trust in God’s timing and that lessons will be learned from the longsuffering.

Grateful Attitude

When I get discouraged with my the remodel I reflect on the abundance of gifts God has given me. Even when times were bad for me and my husband, we have been blessed with material riches. A grateful attitude reminds me of the person that I once was and for the second chance to be the woman God intends for me to be.

It’s up to me to extend that grace to others.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32 NIV

My name is Karen and I have been in recovery for thirty-nine months. Writing my way through my daily struggles helps me to maintain my healthy living. I am building my subscriber list to use as a marketing tool and share my message of hope. Please consider subscribing and sharing my publication.

Thank you!